We have recently discovered and terminated a plot by the United States Government to bankrupt the Democratic People’s Republic of Kanuckistan (DPRK).
The American enemy’s program was designed to instill dual loyalties in the hearts of recent immigrants to our great nation in order to ultimately drain the treasury of this great country. (At the time, they did not know how much Comrade Madoff was draining them!) One of many such programs run by the Yankee imperialist stooges, this program was known as Citizens of Convenience (Kanuckistan) or COC(K) for short.
The goal of the program was to convince recent immigrants to Kanuckistan to remain loyal to the countries from whence they came and to resist transferring their ultimate allegiances to their new home country. Dressed as members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and teachers of citizenship classes for new immigrants, imperialist agents subjected unwitting immigrants to Kanuckistan to brain washing and propaganda sessions.
The network operations center for this program, known as the COC(K)NOC, was housed in the West Virginian hotel known by its cold war code name as Project Greek Island. A former employee, known in local parlance as a COC(K)NOCer, has recently defected to Kanuckistan and has confirmed what follows:
During those sessions, recent immigrants were told they were under no pressure to adopt Kanuckistani culture (and that there was no such thing as Kanuckistani culture in the first place!); that they should live in geographically concentrated groups among themselves; and that they should make no effort to learn the local language. However, program participants were taught how to show token allegiance to Kanuckistan. In particular, they were taught to feign righteous indignation when their loyalties were questioned and to make reference to the Kanuckistani Charter of Rights and Freedoms. This last approach had the effect of stifling discussion and allowing the American subterfuge to continue unabated.
Following successful indoctrination, converted Kanuckistani immigrants were subsequently convinced to return to their original homelands to wait for further instructions, all while maintaining their citizenship, rights and social benefits under Kanuckistani law. They were only to return to the DPRK for free health care or to renew their unemployment insurance benefits.
Once a critical mass of Kanuckistani citizens had returned to their native lands, the American secret forces, led by the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), would start the second phase of this plan, dipping into their bag of dirty tricks honed in Cuba, Iran, Panama and Grenada. This consisted of a campaign of bombing and insurrection designed to lead to civil war. The CIA did this knowing full well that these people, while back in their native lands, held dual citizenship and would thus call on Kanuckistan to come to their rescue at potentially considerable cost to the Kanuckistani public purse.
In its latest iteration, the program worked to convince recent Lebanese immigrants that once they had achieved citizenship, social benefits and health care for themselves, their children, their extended families, and members of the villages from whence they came, they should return to Lebanon and wait for the green light from the CIA.
After first killing the former Lebanese prime minister Rafiq Hariri, then kidnapping Israeli soldier Gilead Shalit, the CIA set-up a full-on confrontation between the Lebanese government and the Hezbollah movement that was designed to lead to massive civil conflict. Faced with the possibility that its citizens were in harms way, the DPRK had no choice but to repatriate thousands of its citizens even though they were also in a country for which they held citizenship. The total cost of repatriating thousands Lebanese-Kanuckistani citizens was pegged at $85-94 million.
Following the bringing to light of this scandal, and the execution of numerous enemy agents by his own glorious hand, our Dear Leader gave the American people the following warning: “Everyone who possesses their own intelligence and their own free will knows that people to come to Kanuckistan to participate fully in the glory of this great nation. It is beyond impossible that any immigrants would come to this country while maintaining their loyalties elsewhere. They would also never bring their problems from home with them. For they fully appreciate the saying “do not shit where you eat”, inculcated into all Kanuckistanis at a young age (along with hockey and an appreciation for beaver). Thought we have takenlegislative steps to prevent this from happening again,at this time I would like to put the American people on notice that they should not attempt to repeat with our immigrants from India, Sri Lanka (Tamil Patriots not Tigers!), Pakistan, or Armenia what they so successfully achieved with people from Lebanon. To make such accusations is to insult those people and Kanuckistanis in general. No Kanuckistani would ever use citizenship as a safety net or lobby our government to serve the policies of another!”