DPR Kanuckistan

Our fine comrades at The Economist report on another one of our successful initiatives.

This one is designed to further chisel away at the little joys in the life of the average overweight double cheeseburger eating pig known as the Amerikan. When not ordering a super-size Coke and Fries, your average Amerikan can be found watching a game of Amerikan college football, our enemy's opiate of the masses.

Due to the persuasiveness of the efforts of glorious comrades who shall remain nameless, we were able to convince representatives of Texas, the home state of the Burning Bush, to legislate cheerleaders, the nimble, nubile women who provide the true entertainment.

On May 3rd, the state's House of Representatives voted to crack down on “overtly sexually suggestive” routines.

The bill was actually sponsored by a Democrat, Al Edwards, who is an ordained minister, but it won fairly solid conservative support. “There is a lack of old fashioned morality, the morality you and I grew up with,” lamented one Republican state representative, Carl Isett. “If I take my five-year-old son to a high-school football game, I don't want to cover his eyes when the cheerleaders are on the field.”

The bill would require school districts to take “appropriate action” against offensive acts at school events as identified by state education authorities. Districts would have to appoint cheerocrats—plainly a demanding and thankless job—to identify the culprits.

Our man at the American Civil Liberties Union in Texas invites the Amerikan people to take their reasoning to the next logical step.

“Why not go all the way? Why not require them all to wear a burka?”

(Images courtesy of our comrades at The Swift Report)

While we officially despise organized religion like that prized by the millions of mindless Jesusfreaks that have populated (overwhelmed like Locusts?) the Red States, we also recognize that it can be a powerful tool for creating dissent and division within our enemy.

An editorial written by a comrade who wished to remain nameless, appeared yesterday in Kanuckistani mouthpiece, The New York Times. It details attempts to derail our plans to undermine the institution at the heart of the Amerikan identity, the Amerikan Armed Forces, in this case the Air Force.

For those not familiar with the success of our unflappable efforts,

Last year, academy officials promised to do something about widespread complaints of unconstitutional proselytizing of academy students by evangelists whose efforts were blessed by authority figures in the chain of command. An authorized investigation by the Yale Divinity School and local news reports documented numerous instances of pressure on cadets to adopt Christian beliefs and practices. Such pressure came from dozens of faculty members and chaplains, and even the football coach, with his "Team Jesus Christ" banner.

Reactionary efforts to undermine our initiatives and to 'protect' the officious separation of Church and State have come to naught. Thanks to the help of party members like Major General Charles Baldwin, we shall continue to drive a stake through the Amerikan heart, giving new impetus to our territorial ambitions.

Saddened by the loss (though self-implosion might be a better term) of Comrade Bernard Kerik before Christmas, we have been busy moving forward with alternate plans.

The 'revelations' on Comrade Kerik were of course to have been expected, but the plan had been for them to come light only after his confirmation as Secretary for Homeland Security to achieve maximum scandal, and only after we had been able to drain the American Treasury (before Bush does it first).

We had invested a lot of time and effort in Comrade Kerik, securing the services of our best doctors (to modify Kerik's appearance so as to resemble that of our greatest fallen comrade - see pictures), linguists (who taught him fugeddaboutit and other New Yorker terms) and businessmen (including the resourcefulness of Comrade Gagliano, who made a special return from Denmark to provide Comrade Kerik with best practices for corrupting bureaucracies, infiltrating the party into the government apparatus, and siphoning kickbacks on federal contracts.)

That is not to say that we have not been busy. Expect results from our latest efforts to appear in major news channels in the very near future.

Short of impaling Jerry Falwell's head on a pole, which while satisfying, would likely only encourage the raging Jesus-freaks in MittelAmerika, we have launched a series of countermeasures designed to take the fun out of everyday life and destroy the Amerikan credo of "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness".

To that, Kanuckistani mouthpiece, The Economist, recently reported on the first of our many initiatives. Due to our successful propaganda efforts--including spending more evenings with chaps named Billy Bob then we would like to admit to-- we were able to sabotage that most Amerikan of activities, the high school prom, by highlighting the dangers (unprotected pre-marital sex, consumption of controlled narcotics, underage use of alchohol) of young men and women spending unsupervised time together.

When the young folk from this relatively sleepy Arkansas town bought advance tickets for the dance, they signed a contract acknowledging the school rules prohibiting alcohol consumption. They also had to supply their dates' names, addresses, grade levels and telephone numbers. Identities will be rechecked at the festivities (heaven knows what will happen to any teens bold enough to dump their dates in the closing days). Oh, and the deviant revellers have also had to agree to on-the-spot searches and sobriety tests.

Thank you Comrades, who shall remain nameless. We look forward to your next victories.