Missive from the Dear Leader

The following was submitted by our Dear Leader to the New York Times in response to this editorial piece.

“Congratulations, America. You were successful in driving yourself off a cliff. From here up north, it was not hard to see. Like a train wreck in slow motion. Like death by a thousand tiny cuts. You lived beyond your means and now it is catching up with you. You took the art of ‘private opulence and public squalor’ (as J.K. Galbraith would say) to perfection.

The good news is that some of you can move here–where we have a growing economy. (Or you can just split from the US and be annexed by Canada.) We’ll take the west coast (except the Republicans in Orange County and the Inland Empire.) We want Chicago. We’ll take the East Coast states down to Maryland; beyond that reason breaks down. You can keep states like Colorado, Alaska and Arizona, which have perfected the art of biting the hand that feeds it (complaining about the federal government, while simultaneously getting rich off defense spending and other largesse.) Come to think of it, you can keep New Jersey. We have enough garbage as it is. You can keep that rat’s nest known as Louisiana as well. You didn’t care enough to spend the money to protect New Orleans from being flooded, thus showing that the value of a human life in those parts is effectively ‘zero’, so it has no value for us either.

There is bad news though. We will give you free medical care, but we won’t subsidize your mortgage. (Which is more socialist? Hmm.) We don’t have a 3-strikes law that will put you in prison for life for stealing a slice of pizza. We don’t have a media that seeks the scandal du jour, so no daily roman circus here. We don’t even have helicopters dedicated to following speeding cars on the highway. We don’t have the same rate of obesity as you do, so we will have to pick and choose who gets let in at the border.

We do have the world’s largest reserves of fresh water though, and we have front-row seats on the decline of the American Empire. So on balance, not a bad deal.”

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