States wanted. Apply here.

In light of the continuing brouhaha of red states versus blue states (or are they all purple?), courtesy of Wonkette, Mike Thompson of Human Events Online puts in a good word for the secession of states from the Union. We’ll toast to that.

In this time of intense need, we here at what has been described as the world’s greatest hotel, stand ready to lend a hand, and would be more than happy to give these orphan states a place they can call home. Though all like-minded states are welcome to apply, we feel a particular fondness for the following:

  • Maine — home of Lobstahs, Clam Chowdah, and Kennebunkpoht
  • Vermont — great place to stick a high speed train to NYC and no tax on liquor! woohoo!
  • Massachusetts — home of the Sox Nation and Sam Adams beer
  • Illinois — home of the Blues Brothers and Ferris Bueller and Da Bears
  • Wisconsin — home of the Packers and Eat Cheese or Die
  • New York — what else can you say. Home of the Bronx Bombers and great cheese cake
  • New Jersey — we need somewhere to stick all that garbage coming from New York
  • Maryland — they have a nice flag
  • DC — great philly steak sandwiches at Union Station plus all the cash the Trilateral Commission keeps at the World Bank
  • Connecticut — home of the Hartford Whalers, the place where Gordie Howe ended his career
  • Pennsylvania — the Mason Dixon line, site of the future border for keeping the freaks out, and of course, the home of philly steak sandwiches
  • Minnesota — home of places even colder than Canada and great polka to boot
  • Michigan — where Gordie Howe started his career and the house that Sparky built
  • Washington State — for our rainy-day friend in BC, on the shipping route for BC Gold
  • Oregon — what cults? different is good, plus on the shipping route for BC Gold
  • California — Disneyland, Santa Monica, and the home of A Night at the Roxy, and the final destination of BC Gold

Not invited:

  • Bible Belt states — ’nuff said
  • Rhode Island — we have enough mafia up here already
  • New Hampshire — too many gun nuts

Based on our projected applications, this is what a future Kanuckistan would look like:


In addition to offering cheap prescription drugs, a positive environment for gay marriage, tacit (though on the upswing) support for euthanasia, drinking under the age of 21 (under the age of 16 if you are in Quebec), soft core porn on over the air networks, we offer a common language, access to CNN, MSNBC, HBO, inside knowledge on the British Royal Family, and something called the Internet. (We also offer something called Smoked Meat, which to the uninitiated is akin to pastrami, but infinitely better.)

No need to push, we have application forms for all.

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