The master plan has started.

The Jesus freaks turned out in droves. Talk of gay marriage was enough to pull them out of their prayers by the bedside and from flagellating themselves in their SUVs, Starbucks double-cream mocha whip and McGriddle notwithstanding.


The civil war, the celebrated follow-up to the culture war, is at hand. (“Which side are you on?”, the Daily Show asked on Election Night.)

Mass immigration to the Northern Cold is the logical response.

In a repeat of the aftermath of the overthrow of Germany in WWII, with the thousands of German scientists spirited away—not always voluntarily—to the US, we up here, in the frozen tundra, look forward to the coming wave of the best of American intelligentsia, with Volvos and Banana Republic clothing in tow, driving up Interstates 95, 87, 89, 55, 25, 5, and others, from Research Triangle park, the Tri-States region, Chicagoland, the Inland Empire, and the Great State of California. From Stanford, Columbia, Northwestern, Cornell, Purdue, Notre Dame, and Hahvahd they will come.

Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.

Bring me those in search of drinking under the age of 21, legal marijuana (from the wilderness of British Columbia), gay marriage, and cheap prescription drugs. Full contact lap dances await along with new husbands and wives as well.

Once you are here, we will find work for you. Montreal is the capital for telemarketing fraud in the United States, snookering thousands of mostly retired elderly white folks, living in Arizona and Texas, every day. You will feel at home too. In movies, Vancouver stands in for LA, Seattle, and everything in between. And Toronto, well, um, uh, Switzerland of the North. Yeah, that’s it.

The rest of you, just stay where you are. Things are going your way. Believe that the Messiah is coming for you. Believe that by continuing to support the conflict in the Middle East, you are paving the way for His return. Keep the 10 Commandments. Pray for Jim and Tammy Fae. Heck, be born again if you have to.

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