The New York Times recently reported on one of our more recent agent employments, comrade Glenn Beck. As the Times writes, Comrade Beck has been successful:

As the Times reports, “[Agent Beck] preaches against politicians, hosts regular segments titled “Constitution Under Attack” and “Economic Apocalypse,” and occasionally breaks into tears. Michael Smerconish, a fellow syndicated talk show host, said that Mr. Beck ‘has a gift for touching the passion nerve.’ Tapping into fear about the future, Mr. Beck also lingers over doomsday situations; in a series called “The War Room” last month he talked to experts about the possibility of global financial panic and widespread outbreaks of violence. He challenged viewers to “think the unthinkable” so that they would be prepared in case of emergency.”

Judging by the hate mail Comrade Beck receives, you can see that we are on to something here.

Those with a keen eye will notice the resemblance between Agent Beck’s logo and the internationally recognized radiation warning symbol. That is no coincidence.

Meet Sarah Palin, the latest product of our Kanuckistani Patriot Labs.

Biologically engineered from radiated stem cells, Sarah is a new kind of agent. Leveraging advanced weaponization research efforts from the early 80s, she has been enhanced to appeal to exactly one half of the participants in the Culture Wars, known as the denizens of the red states.

One part God-fearing Christian, one part gun owner, and finally, one part ‘drill it if you got it’, with a sprinkling of teen beauty queen to tie it all together. On the surface at least, she is the ‘total package’, designed to appeal to the base instincts that have made America as great as it has always been (see note).

Leveraging the personnel stationed at our network of Kanuckistani Fighter Corps (KFC) forward operating bases, we have been able to manage Sarah’s ascension from the ranks of all-American girl to beauty queen to small town mayor to governor of the largest state (by territory) in the Union.

As a result of those efforts, in a classic example of life imitating art, or in this case the movies (vis. The Manchurian Candidate), we have managed to insert Sarah near the highest levels of power. Indeed, Sarah was recently named the Republican nominee for Vice-President alongside Senator John McCain. Yes, that John McCain, the one whom many believe we were unable to ‘turn’. Aged 72 and counting, Senator McCain is unlikely to finish out his first term, meaning that Sarah will likely be president before the end of this decade.

For those who doubt the capabilities of this agent, specifically her superior genetic composition not to mention commitment to the values of the great nation of Kanuckistan, we offer the following proof. Indeed her ‘Dove soap bar’ good looks hide a secret known only to us, as the following pictures show. Left, Sarah with her make-up on; right, her make-up off.

Note: While we welcome the current meltdown of the American housing market, the meltdown of the financial markets (we engineered the recent downfalls of Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch, and AIG, while also holding massive short positions), and the high gas prices that have forced Americans to learn to walk again, it is official Kanuckistani policy to perpetuate the myths that have lulled Americans into complacency, the better to strike when they sleep like tired pigs finished at the trough.