DPR Kanuckistan

Three great reasons to move to Kanuckistan:

1) The Sopranos shown on over-the-air broadcast network (not $%#*! cable) station CTV (Canuckistan Television) featuring full frontal nudity, including Tony getting his hole, and all those big words God doesn’t want you to hear because they corrupt the soul

2) Team America World Police (America, Fuck yeah!) shown in theaters, featuring the puppet sex scene that was censored by Jack Valenti’s MPAA to preserve American hearts and minds.

3) A new federally approved program to promote immigration of strippers, which has enabled hundreds of poor but hot, hard-bodied Romanian girls to strut their stuff all over Kanuckistan without fear of striking miners or mentally stunted orphans getting in their way, ensuring an adequate supply of lap dances will be available to all hard-working Kanuckistanis that need them. (No news yet on a program designed to teach said strippers the artistic merits of a ping pong ball.)

In what is surely only the tip of the iceberg, Reverend Bob (is that the guy on the Simpsons?) Jones, has written to Dubya to commend him on his victory. Should there be any doubt, Reverend Bob and the members of his flock are a happy lot.

As Reverend Bob (that’s one ’0′, not two) expects of Dubya, “Undoubtedly, you will have opportunity to appoint many conservative judges and exercise forceful leadership with the Congress in passing legislation that is defined by biblical norm regarding the family, sexuality, sanctity of life, religious freedom, freedom of speech, and limited government.”

Quick question: What happened to freedom FROM religion ? Isn’t that why the whole boat ride happened in the first place ?

Another quick question: Are we the only ones that get the joke ? The domain name for Bob Jones University is BJU.edu. That’s right BJ-U. Hehe. Yes, God works in mysterious ways.

Some have wondered why some states have not been invited to join the ranks of Kanuckistan. Let us continue the discussion here with a quick discussion why.

States not invited:

• West Virginia — we have enough inbreeding in New Brunswick and Nova Scotia already
• Virginia — something about Santa Claus or Slims
• Mississipi — with the average IQ of the residents of M-eye-ess-ess-eye-ess-ess-eye-pee-pee-eye of 85, that means half of the population is a shade short of mentally retarded or worse. (When we want people with the IQ of a plant, we go to the East end of Montreal. Thanks but no thanks.)
• Iowa — we have enough coddled farmers already and we bury enough potatoes as is.
• Ohio — they shanked it once. they’ll probably shank it again.

In light of the continuing brouhaha of red states versus blue states (or are they all purple?), courtesy of Wonkette, Mike Thompson of Human Events Online puts in a good word for the secession of states from the Union. We’ll toast to that.

In this time of intense need, we here at what has been described as the world’s greatest hotel, stand ready to lend a hand, and would be more than happy to give these orphan states a place they can call home. Though all like-minded states are welcome to apply, we feel a particular fondness for the following:

• Maine — home of Lobstahs, Clam Chowdah, and Kennebunkpoht
• Vermont — great place to stick a high speed train to NYC and no tax on liquor! woohoo!
• Massachusetts — home of the Sox Nation and Sam Adams beer
• Illinois — home of the Blues Brothers and Ferris Bueller and Da Bears
• Wisconsin — home of the Packers and Eat Cheese or Die
• New York — what else can you say. Home of the Bronx Bombers and great cheese cake
• New Jersey — we need somewhere to stick all that garbage coming from New York
• Maryland — they have a nice flag
• DC — great philly steak sandwiches at Union Station plus all the cash the Trilateral Commission keeps at the World Bank
• Connecticut — home of the Hartford Whalers, the place where Gordie Howe ended his career
• Pennsylvania — the Mason Dixon line, site of the future border for keeping the freaks out, and of course, the home of philly steak sandwiches
• Minnesota — home of places even colder than Canada and great polka to boot
• Michigan — where Gordie Howe started his career and the house that Sparky built
• Washington State — for our rainy-day friend in BC, on the shipping route for BC Gold
• Oregon — what cults? different is good, plus on the shipping route for BC Gold
• California — Disneyland, Santa Monica, and the home of A Night at the Roxy, and the final destination of BC Gold

Not invited:

• Bible Belt states — ’nuff said
• Rhode Island — we have enough mafia up here already
• New Hampshire — too many gun nuts

Based on our projected applications, this is what a future Kanuckistan would look like:

In addition to offering cheap prescription drugs, a positive environment for gay marriage, tacit (though on the upswing) support for euthanasia, drinking under the age of 21 (under the age of 16 if you are in Quebec), soft core porn on over the air networks, we offer a common language, access to CNN, MSNBC, HBO, inside knowledge on the British Royal Family, and something called the Internet. (We also offer something called Smoked Meat, which to the uninitiated is akin to pastrami, but infinitely better.)

No need to push, we have application forms for all.

The Jesus freaks turned out in droves. Talk of gay marriage was enough to pull them out of their prayers by the bedside and from flagellating themselves in their SUVs, Starbucks double-cream mocha whip and McGriddle notwithstanding.

The civil war, the celebrated follow-up to the culture war, is at hand. (“Which side are you on?”, the Daily Show asked on Election Night.)

Mass immigration to the Northern Cold is the logical response.

In a repeat of the aftermath of the overthrow of Germany in WWII, with the thousands of German scientists spirited away—not always voluntarily—to the US, we up here, in the frozen tundra, look forward to the coming wave of the best of American intelligentsia, with Volvos and Banana Republic clothing in tow, driving up Interstates 95, 87, 89, 55, 25, 5, and others, from Research Triangle park, the Tri-States region, Chicagoland, the Inland Empire, and the Great State of California. From Stanford, Columbia, Northwestern, Cornell, Purdue, Notre Dame, and Hahvahd they will come.

Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breath free.

Bring me those in search of drinking under the age of 21, legal marijuana (from the wilderness of British Columbia), gay marriage, and cheap prescription drugs. Full contact lap dances await along with new husbands and wives as well.

Once you are here, we will find work for you. Montreal is the capital for telemarketing fraud in the United States, snookering thousands of mostly retired elderly white folks, living in Arizona and Texas, every day. You will feel at home too. In movies, Vancouver stands in for LA, Seattle, and everything in between. And Toronto, well, um, uh, Switzerland of the North. Yeah, that’s it.

The rest of you, just stay where you are. Things are going your way. Believe that the Messiah is coming for you. Believe that by continuing to support the conflict in the Middle East, you are paving the way for His return. Keep the 10 Commandments. Pray for Jim and Tammy Fae. Heck, be born again if you have to.