We have recently discovered and terminated a plot by the United States Government to bankrupt the Democratic People’s Republic of Kanuckistan (DPRK).

The American enemy’s program was designed to instill dual loyalties in the hearts of recent immigrants to our great nation in order to ultimately drain the treasury of this great country. (At the time, they did not know how much Comrade Madoff was draining them!) One of many such programs run by the Yankee imperialist stooges, this program was known as Citizens of Convenience (Kanuckistan) or COC(K) for short.

The goal of the program was to convince recent immigrants to Kanuckistan to remain loyal to the countries from whence they came and to resist transferring their ultimate allegiances to their new home country. Dressed as members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and teachers of citizenship classes for new immigrants, imperialist agents subjected unwitting immigrants to Kanuckistan to brain washing and propaganda sessions.

The network operations center for this program, known as the COC(K)NOC, was housed in the West Virginian hotel known by its cold war code name as Project Greek Island. A former employee, known in local parlance as a COC(K)NOCer, has recently defected to Kanuckistan and has confirmed what follows:

During those sessions, recent immigrants were told they were under no pressure to adopt Kanuckistani culture (and that there was no such thing as Kanuckistani culture in the first place!); that they should live in geographically concentrated groups among themselves; and that they should make no effort to learn the local language. However, program participants were taught how to show token allegiance to Kanuckistan. In particular, they were taught to feign righteous indignation when their loyalties were questioned and to make reference to the Kanuckistani Charter of Rights and Freedoms. This last approach had the effect of stifling discussion and allowing the American subterfuge to continue unabated.

Following successful indoctrination, converted Kanuckistani immigrants were subsequently convinced to return to their original homelands to wait for further instructions, all while maintaining their citizenship, rights and social benefits under Kanuckistani law. They were only to return to the DPRK for free health care or to renew their unemployment insurance benefits.

Once a critical mass of Kanuckistani citizens had returned to their native lands, the American secret forces, led by the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), would start the second phase of this plan, dipping into their bag of dirty tricks honed in Cuba, Iran, Panama and Grenada. This consisted of a campaign of bombing and insurrection designed to lead to civil war. The CIA did this knowing full well that these people, while back in their native lands, held dual citizenship and would thus call on Kanuckistan to come to their rescue at potentially considerable cost to the Kanuckistani public purse.

In its latest iteration, the program worked to convince recent Lebanese immigrants that once they had achieved citizenship, social benefits and health care for themselves, their children, their extended families, and members of the villages from whence they came, they should return to Lebanon and wait for the green light from the CIA.

After first killing the former Lebanese prime minister Rafiq Hariri, then kidnapping Israeli soldier Gilead Shalit, the CIA set-up a full-on confrontation between the Lebanese government and the Hezbollah movement that was designed to lead to massive civil conflict. Faced with the possibility that its citizens were in harms way, the DPRK had no choice but to repatriate thousands of its citizens even though they were also in a country for which they held citizenship. The total cost of repatriating thousands Lebanese-Kanuckistani citizens was pegged at $85-94 million.

Following the bringing to light of this scandal, and the execution of numerous enemy agents by his own glorious hand, our Dear Leader gave the American people the following warning: “Everyone who possesses their own intelligence and their own free will knows that people to come to Kanuckistan to participate fully in the glory of this great nation. It is beyond impossible that any immigrants would come to this country while maintaining their loyalties elsewhere. They would also never bring their problems from home with them. For they fully appreciate the saying “do not shit where you eat”, inculcated into all Kanuckistanis at a young age (along with hockey and an appreciation for beaver). Thought we have takenlegislative steps to prevent this from happening again,at this time I would like to put the American people on notice that they should not attempt to repeat with our immigrants from India, Sri Lanka (Tamil Patriots not Tigers!), Pakistan, or Armenia what they so successfully achieved with people from Lebanon. To make such accusations is to insult those people and Kanuckistanis in general. No Kanuckistani would ever use citizenship as a safety net or lobby our government to serve the policies of another!”

The NY TImes reports that, “Since Sept. 11, 2001, nearly 120,000 Americans have been killed in nonterror homicides, most committed with guns. Yet the idea of doing something about the insane number of guns is a nonstarter”.

As columnist Bob Herbert points out, not only have we been successful in picking off the population equivalent of Prince Edward Island, the smallest of the Kanuckistani Soviet Socialist Republics, since the Two Towers of the Great Satan were felled (OK, we can’t claim credit for everything!), but we have been successful in our attempts to instill a climate of fear in which the Yankee people think that more guns is the answer. He writes,

“For the most part, we pay no attention to this relentless carnage. The idea of doing something meaningful about the insane number of guns in circulation is a nonstarter. So what if eight kids are shot to death every day in America. So what if someone is killed by a gun every 17 minutes.

The goal of the National Rifle Association and a host of so-called conservative lawmakers is to get ever more guns into the hands of ever more people. Texas is one of a number of states considering bills to allow concealed guns on college campuses.

Supporters argue, among other things, that it will enable students and professors to defend themselves against mass murderers, like the deranged gunman who killed 32 people at Virginia Tech two years ago.

They’d like guns to be as ubiquitous as laptops or cellphones. One Texas lawmaker referred to unarmed people on campuses as “sitting ducks.”

BTW, that one Texas lawmaker they refer to is on our payroll. As is the NRA.

PS: Even liberal mouthpiece Time Magazine reports that 10 years after Columbine, it is even easier to get guns in the USA.

While we definitely do punch above our weight up here in the Democratic People’s Republic, we can not always take credit for everything that goes wrong with our mortal enemy. The NY Times features an opinion piece that recites the ability of Americans to slaughter themselves of their own accord.

“In a month of violence gruesome even by our own standards, 57 people have lost their lives in eight mass shootings. The killing grounds include a nursing home, a center for new immigrants, a child’s bedroom. Before that it was a church, a college, a daycare center.”

The allegory they use is that of a frog slow-boiling in a pot, Americans watching as their society implodes. We could not agree more.

In light of his recent conviction and the decision by the judge to not let him out on bail pending sentencing, we will take this opportunity to honour the efforts of a great friend of Kanuckistan, Mr Bernard Madoff.

One of the more memorable quotes in the classic movie The Usual Suspects comes from the character Verbal played by Kevin Spacey, who as we later learn is Kayser Soze himself, an international criminal whose very name invokes primal fear on the lips of those who pronounce it. As Verbal says, “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” In this case, Bernard Madoff has managed to this day to conceal his identity from the greater world, passing himself off as an American citizen of the Hebrew persuasion born in New York City and a cornerstone of Jewish communities up and down the Atlantic seaboard.

Little known however is that Comrade Madoff is neither American nor even Jewish. While it may be plausible for some to characterize him as a shmuck nonetheless, Comrade Madoff was actually born Philippe O’Hanlon, the product of the marriage between a French-Canadian woman and an Irish man. He grew up in the working class neighborhood of Griffintown in Montreal, now known as Point St. Charles, in a walk-up on the famously downtrodden Wellington Street. (While Philippe O’Hanlon, he was brought to our attention by Agent Duddy Kravitz, a tireless promoter of our cause and a financier of many of our operations.)

The genius of Comrade O’Hanlon/Madoff’s efforts is that not only was he able to swindle US$65 billion to the benefit of many Kanuckistani military, industrial and cultural efforts, but that he was able to do so in a manner that ensured that the blame was laid far away elsewhere. In fact, Comrade Madoff did his work so well that many a commentator is lamenting the impact of our dear comrade’s work on the image of the Jewish community, a traditional bugbear for all that is wrong in the world.

On behalf of all Kanuckistani patriots, we extend our dearest thanks to you and your help in ensuring that Kanuckistan will prevail.

The Globe and Mail reports on our recent successes in demolishing the American Dream in the eyes of the world.

Amid all of the hubbub surrounding that idiot Greg Gutfeld and his colleagues at Fox News, one could be concerned. While one could retort that invading countries has never been a priority of Kanuckistan, like it is for the US, and therefore we do not need t have a large standing army, the truth is that we are only focused on invading one country.

Worry not comrades. With the significant investment we have made in the American entertainment-complex, unknown to him Mr Gutfeld is surrounded by Kanuckistani Patriots and will soon be getting his due.

To Mr Gutfeld and those who think like him, we paraphrase a great movie (The Crow?), when we say “just when you think you’re fucking them, they’re fucking you!” ‘Nuff said.

Short of impaling Jerry Falwell’s head on a pole, which while satisfying, would likely only encourage the raging Jesus-freaks in MittelAmerika, we have launched a series of countermeasures designed to take the fun out of everyday life and destroy the Amerikan credo of “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness”.

To that, Kanuckistani mouthpiece, The Economist, recently reported on the first of our many initiatives. Due to our successful propaganda efforts–including spending more evenings with chaps named Billy Bob then we would like to admit to– we were able to sabotage that most Amerikan of activities, the high school prom, by highlighting the dangers (unprotected pre-marital sex, consumption of controlled narcotics, underage use of alchohol) of young men and women spending unsupervised time together.

When the young folk from this relatively sleepy Arkansas town bought advance tickets for the dance, they signed a contract acknowledging the school rules prohibiting alcohol consumption. They also had to supply their dates’ names, addresses, grade levels and telephone numbers. Identities will be rechecked at the festivities (heaven knows what will happen to any teens bold enough to dump their dates in the closing days). Oh, and the deviant revellers have also had to agree to on-the-spot searches and sobriety tests.

Thank you Comrades, who shall remain nameless. We look forward to your next victories.

While we officially despise organized religion like that prized by the millions of mindless Jesusfreaks that have populated (overwhelmed like Locusts?) the Red States, we also recognize that it can be a powerful tool for creating dissent and division within our enemy.

An editorial written by a comrade who wished to remain nameless, appeared yesterday in Kanuckistani mouthpiece, The New York Times. It details attempts to derail our plans to undermine the institution at the heart of the Amerikan identity, the Amerikan Armed Forces, in this case the Air Force.

For those not familiar with the success of our unflappable efforts,

Last year, academy officials promised to do something about widespread complaints of unconstitutional proselytizing of academy students by evangelists whose efforts were blessed by authority figures in the chain of command. An authorized investigation by the Yale Divinity School and local news reports documented numerous instances of pressure on cadets to adopt Christian beliefs and practices. Such pressure came from dozens of faculty members and chaplains, and even the football coach, with his “Team Jesus Christ” banner.

Reactionary efforts to undermine our initiatives and to ‘protect’ the officious separation of Church and State have come to naught. Thanks to the help of party members like Major General Charles Baldwin, we shall continue to drive a stake through the Amerikan heart, giving new impetus to our territorial ambitions.

Our fine comrades at The Economist report on another one of our successful initiatives.

This one is designed to further chisel away at the little joys in the life of the average overweight double cheeseburger eating pig known as the Amerikan. When not ordering a super-size Coke and Fries, your average Amerikan can be found watching a game of Amerikan college football, our enemy’s opiate of the masses.

Due to the persuasiveness of the efforts of glorious comrades who shall remain nameless, we were able to convince representatives of Texas, the home state of the Burning Bush, to legislate cheerleaders, the nimble, nubile women who provide the true entertainment.

On May 3rd, the state’s House of Representatives voted to crack down on “overtly sexually suggestive” routines.

The bill was actually sponsored by a Democrat, Al Edwards, who is an ordained minister, but it won fairly solid conservative support. “There is a lack of old fashioned morality, the morality you and I grew up with,” lamented one Republican state representative, Carl Isett. “If I take my five-year-old son to a high-school football game, I don’t want to cover his eyes when the cheerleaders are on the field.”

The bill would require school districts to take “appropriate action” against offensive acts at school events as identified by state education authorities. Districts would have to appoint cheerocrats—plainly a demanding and thankless job—to identify the culprits.

Our man at the American Civil Liberties Union in Texas invites the Amerikan people to take their reasoning to the next logical step.

“Why not go all the way? Why not require them all to wear a burka?”

(Images courtesy of our comrades at The Swift Report)

Paul Wells, the back page editorialist of Maclean’s, the Kanuckistani magazine famous for its cover of “Canada to Dubya: Fuck You” or something like that (Anyhoo, not the kind of thing most people would want to carry through US customs) has an article in which he discusses a reverse brain drain, whereby in a confirmation that our plan is working, Yanks are heading North.

Wells’ article is a welcome change from some of the other slop going around. Things like CanadianAlternative.com and even Cool.ca are a little too candy apple, feel-good for our taste. We don’t need something about Cool Canadians. What we need is the Great White North equivalent of “puppets who kill“.

As the disastrous results of the 2 World Wars and the unrequited success (minus a land war in Asia or two) of the Cold War show, appeasement is a losing argument, while containment and a continuous assault on the opponent’s hearts and minds are the only sure path to success. It is only by hammering on those “‘dumb as a post‘ residents of the south” and the gun nuts in Colorado that they will quote unquote get it.