These KFC outlets and activities are complimented by a large contingent—over a million strong—of Kanuckstani patriots on the ground, living, working and studying in communities across America. Kanuckistani patriots have infiltrated the enemy to the South by way of a number of deceptions.

Some have gone across on sports scholarships at some of that country’s institutions of higher learning. With the formerly all-Kanuckistani NHL too obvious a choice, our patriot brothers have begun to learn other sports such as baseball and basketball in a series of training facilities both here and in the southern US on the pretext of clement weather.

As a result, numerous Kanuckistanis have begun to infiltrate major professional sporting leagues, not least of which the NFL, the NBA, and Major League Baseball. During out-of-town games and tournaments, Kanuckistani patriots rendez-vous with their brothers in arms to exchange field intelligence, pass along instructions, and in some cases, to exchange materiel.

Borrowing the best of their jihadi comrades from around the world, each cell of Kanuckistani patriots—the employees of a KFC outlet in Grand Rapids Michigan, the members of a cycling team in Sunrise Arizona, the Candy Stripers at the M.D. Anderson in bible-loving Houston, the acting troupe in LA—have been given broad objectives—Death to the Great Satan to paraphrase brother Khomeini—but with the precise details of the mission’s execution left up to them. This cell structure is designed to protect the overall mission should a cell be captured or its members find themselves too much in the public eye.

The main fighting force beyond the borders of Kanuckistan is the Kanuckistani Fighting Corps (also known as KFC). Proudly bilingual, they have adopted the moniker Front populaire du Kanuckistan in French (though a transcription error resulted in the acronym PFK which has since stuck, not unlike the accepted spelling of the city of Monckton.)

KFC fighters are located in thousands of strategically-located forward operating bases in communities across America. When the call eventually comes, these will act as launch pads for covert missions designed to overwhelm American command and control capabilities as well as their emergency response infrastructure.

Disguised as fast-food restaurants and offering fare designed to appeal to the average blue collar worker—including three different levels of greasy chicken—KFC outlets are located near police precincts, fire halls, power sub-stations, phone company switches, water treatment plants. With chicken cooked on a natural gas powered grill—ostensibly for the taste, as opposed to the microwave-cooked food offered by competitors, KFC bases have direct access to the natural gas network, in addition to the power and water networks.

KFC operatives wear distinctive uniforms, striped in red and white to recall the colours of our glorious maple leaf flag, but made of polyester to appeal to the sensibilities of our neighbours to the South who fail to appreciate the irony of clothing made from oil, the resource which makes the Americans so dependent on Kanuckistan and its allies.

In addition, KFC fighters, predominantly our sisters and daughters, have set up shop across the American health infrastructure where they adapted their tactics much like the mongoose chasing the snake. There they have assumed a different identity while maintaining their allegiance to Kanuckistan and the colours that make up its proud flag. Featuring a short skirt, short-sleeve top and suspenders—all with a red and white striped pattern, they have become known as candy stripers. (Again, the result of a mistake in transcription, “Kandi” became “Candy”).

Candy stripers are particularly active in the areas of a hospital devoted to post-operatory recovery. There, they deploy their wiles to get closer to the American enemy. In some cases, they will even sacrifice their timidity to execute carefully planned tactical strikes with leading members of the enemy’s command infrastructure. Known colloquially as manual overrides, these sensitive operations result in the enemy’s personnel being compromised.

Candy Striper interventions are timed so as to create maximum havoc with the social relationships of the enemy. Manual overrides are often exercised once it has been determined that the spouse, children, or parents of the victim will happen upon the candy striper and the enemy in the heat of action. At a minimum, the enemy’s dedication to American values will be questioned. Most often, an electronic device, called the Permanent Urethreal Throttling Activator (or PUTA) will be inserted into the enemy’s person. It is essentially a bug which allows our great state to spy on the victim. Due to the enemy’s overarching faith in religion—at the expense of reason—, many attacks of this kind are perpetrated in states with strong religious practices, like across the American South and the mid-West.

Saddened by the loss (though self-implosion might be a better term) of Comrade Bernard Kerik before Christmas, we have been busy moving forward with alternate plans.

The ‘revelations’ on Comrade Kerik were of course to have been expected, but the plan had been for them to come light only after his confirmation as Secretary for Homeland Security to achieve maximum scandal, and only after we had been able to drain the American Treasury (before Bush does it first).

We had invested a lot of time and effort in Comrade Kerik, securing the services of our best doctors (to modify Kerik’s appearance so as to resemble that of our greatest fallen comrade – see pictures), linguists (who taught him fugeddaboutit and other New Yorker terms) and businessmen (including the resourcefulness of Comrade Gagliano, who made a special return from Denmark to provide Comrade Kerik with best practices for corrupting bureaucracies, infiltrating the party into the government apparatus, and siphoning kickbacks on federal contracts.)

That is not to say that we have not been busy. Expect results from our latest efforts to appear in major news channels in the very near future.

Bringing to the end a series of shows over the last few months on the CBC (Canuckistan Broadcasting Corporation) television network, viewers of the show overwhelming chose Mr. Tommy Douglas, from the small (and getting smaller!) province of Saskatchewan as The Greatest Kanuckistani (ever).

For those joining us soon (particularly those blue states soon to be folded into El Nuevo Canada), Tommy Douglas is the fellow who introduced socialized medicine, the precursor to Medicare, whereby all Kanuckistanis–the young, the old, the poor, and yes, that really, really, really fat old lady with the swollen ankles larger than a telephone pole–can access to the medical treatment they need–as much as they need!–at no cost.

Half a century later, the contributions of Mr. Douglas continue to ring loud with all Kanuckistanis (and government budgets where Medicare is the largest and fastest growing cost). Concretely speaking, his efforts to reform health care in the country ensure that today all Kanuckistanis have EQUAL access to 20 and 30-year old technology and procedures (while ensuring that members of the nomenklatura (the politicians, the oligarchs) are free to jump the queue). Kanuckistanis are unanimous in crying out, “If we can’t have CAT scanners and MRI machines for ALL of our hospitals, we don’t want ANY of them to have them either.”

The arrival of those former American blue states into the fold should prove beneficial for both. For the 15% of Americans without healthcare, they will now be able to enjoy the best of Kanuckistani medical technology of the 1960s and 1970s, while provinces like Quebec continue to be able to send cancer patients to (new) provinces like Vermont for treatment, but pay in cheaper Kanuckistani dollars! Imagine the savings!

Thank you, Tommy Douglas, for helping to make Kanuckistan the great place it is today!

The Kanuckistani people are not all cute fluffy bunny rabbits. No, not at all.

Case in point. Former Kanuckistani Minister of Public Works and the main cause of transatlantic tensions between the Kingdom of Denmark and the Democratic People’s Republic of Kanuckistan (DPRK), Liberal Party capo Alfonso Gagliano was recently fingered by the FBI as being the Cosa Nostra’s Man in Montreal. In addition, he had previously been an accountant to a certain Don Caruana of the infamous Sicilian Caruana-Cuntrera group.

This begs the question of course, as to what the mob nickname of Don Gagliano would be. Since he was in company of such leading men of honour as Sammy “The Bull” Gravano, “Big” Paul Castellano, and of course, the head of the Bonano crime family, the recently deceased Joey “Bananas”, he would need a nickname, one that reflected his stature as a made man, while also reflecting the respect he commanded outside of the Montreal enclave of St-Leonard–the kind of respect which resulted in him being posted to Denmark when the sh*t hit the fan in a recent corruption scandal.

Since the nickname of “Boobie” is already taken by the (infamous) John Cerasani, we feel that “Cheeseball” is a fitting name for the capo di tutti capi in the Liberal Party. Yes, we happily imagine young Cheeseball Gagliano, the type of fat kid who kept stuffing his face at the corner stoop, raising money for Liberal prime ministers past and present… Another great Kanuckistani!