DPR Kanuckistan

These KFC outlets and activities are complimented by a large contingent—over a million strong—of Kanuckstani patriots on the ground, living, working and studying in communities across America. Kanuckistani patriots have infiltrated the enemy to the South by way of a number of deceptions.

Some have gone across on sports scholarships at some of that country’s institutions of higher learning. With the formerly all-Kanuckistani NHL too obvious a choice, our patriot brothers have begun to learn other sports such as baseball and basketball in a series of training facilities both here and in the southern US on the pretext of clement weather.

As a result, numerous Kanuckistanis have begun to infiltrate major professional sporting leagues, not least of which the NFL, the NBA, and Major League Baseball. During out-of-town games and tournaments, Kanuckistani patriots rendez-vous with their brothers in arms to exchange field intelligence, pass along instructions, and in some cases, to exchange materiel.

Borrowing the best of their jihadi comrades from around the world, each cell of Kanuckistani patriots—the employees of a KFC outlet in Grand Rapids Michigan, the members of a cycling team in Sunrise Arizona, the Candy Stripers at the M.D. Anderson in bible-loving Houston, the acting troupe in LA—have been given broad objectives—Death to the Great Satan to paraphrase brother Khomeini—but with the precise details of the mission’s execution left up to them. This cell structure is designed to protect the overall mission should a cell be captured or its members find themselves too much in the public eye.

The main fighting force beyond the borders of Kanuckistan is the Kanuckistani Fighting Corps (also known as KFC). Proudly bilingual, they have adopted the moniker Front populaire du Kanuckistan in French (though a transcription error resulted in the acronym PFK which has since stuck, not unlike the accepted spelling of the city of Monckton.)

KFC fighters are located in thousands of strategically-located forward operating bases in communities across America. When the call eventually comes, these will act as launch pads for covert missions designed to overwhelm American command and control capabilities as well as their emergency response infrastructure.

Disguised as fast-food restaurants and offering fare designed to appeal to the average blue collar worker—including three different levels of greasy chicken—KFC outlets are located near police precincts, fire halls, power sub-stations, phone company switches, water treatment plants. With chicken cooked on a natural gas powered grill—ostensibly for the taste, as opposed to the microwave-cooked food offered by competitors, KFC bases have direct access to the natural gas network, in addition to the power and water networks.

KFC operatives wear distinctive uniforms, striped in red and white to recall the colours of our glorious maple leaf flag, but made of polyester to appeal to the sensibilities of our neighbours to the South who fail to appreciate the irony of clothing made from oil, the resource which makes the Americans so dependent on Kanuckistan and its allies.

In addition, KFC fighters, predominantly our sisters and daughters, have set up shop across the American health infrastructure where they adapted their tactics much like the mongoose chasing the snake. There they have assumed a different identity while maintaining their allegiance to Kanuckistan and the colours that make up its proud flag. Featuring a short skirt, short-sleeve top and suspenders—all with a red and white striped pattern, they have become known as candy stripers. (Again, the result of a mistake in transcription, “Kandi” became “Candy”).

Candy stripers are particularly active in the areas of a hospital devoted to post-operatory recovery. There, they deploy their wiles to get closer to the American enemy. In some cases, they will even sacrifice their timidity to execute carefully planned tactical strikes with leading members of the enemy’s command infrastructure. Known colloquially as manual overrides, these sensitive operations result in the enemy’s personnel being compromised.

Candy Striper interventions are timed so as to create maximum havoc with the social relationships of the enemy. Manual overrides are often exercised once it has been determined that the spouse, children, or parents of the victim will happen upon the candy striper and the enemy in the heat of action. At a minimum, the enemy’s dedication to American values will be questioned. Most often, an electronic device, called the Permanent Urethreal Throttling Activator (or PUTA) will be inserted into the enemy’s person. It is essentially a bug which allows our great state to spy on the victim. Due to the enemy’s overarching faith in religion—at the expense of reason—, many attacks of this kind are perpetrated in states with strong religious practices, like across the American South and the mid-West.