Meet Sarah Palin, the latest product of our Kanuckistani Patriot Labs.

Biologically engineered from radiated stem cells, Sarah is a new kind of agent. Leveraging advanced weaponization research efforts from the early 80s, she has been enhanced to appeal to exactly one half of the participants in the Culture Wars, known as the denizens of the red states.

One part God-fearing Christian, one part gun owner, and finally, one part ‘drill it if you got it’, with a sprinkling of teen beauty queen to tie it all together. On the surface at least, she is the ‘total package’, designed to appeal to the base instincts that have made America as great as it has always been (see note).

Leveraging the personnel stationed at our network of Kanuckistani Fighter Corps (KFC) forward operating bases, we have been able to manage Sarah’s ascension from the ranks of all-American girl to beauty queen to small town mayor to governor of the largest state (by territory) in the Union.

As a result of those efforts, in a classic example of life imitating art, or in this case the movies (vis. The Manchurian Candidate), we have managed to insert Sarah near the highest levels of power. Indeed, Sarah was recently named the Republican nominee for Vice-President alongside Senator John McCain. Yes, that John McCain, the one whom many believe we were unable to ‘turn’. Aged 72 and counting, Senator McCain is unlikely to finish out his first term, meaning that Sarah will likely be president before the end of this decade.

For those who doubt the capabilities of this agent, specifically her superior genetic composition not to mention commitment to the values of the great nation of Kanuckistan, we offer the following proof. Indeed her ‘Dove soap bar’ good looks hide a secret known only to us, as the following pictures show. Left, Sarah with her make-up on; right, her make-up off.

Note: While we welcome the current meltdown of the American housing market, the meltdown of the financial markets (we engineered the recent downfalls of Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch, and AIG, while also holding massive short positions), and the high gas prices that have forced Americans to learn to walk again, it is official Kanuckistani policy to perpetuate the myths that have lulled Americans into complacency, the better to strike when they sleep like tired pigs finished at the trough.

These KFC outlets and activities are complimented by a large contingent—over a million strong—of Kanuckstani patriots on the ground, living, working and studying in communities across America. Kanuckistani patriots have infiltrated the enemy to the South by way of a number of deceptions.

Some have gone across on sports scholarships at some of that country’s institutions of higher learning. With the formerly all-Kanuckistani NHL too obvious a choice, our patriot brothers have begun to learn other sports such as baseball and basketball in a series of training facilities both here and in the southern US on the pretext of clement weather.

As a result, numerous Kanuckistanis have begun to infiltrate major professional sporting leagues, not least of which the NFL, the NBA, and Major League Baseball. During out-of-town games and tournaments, Kanuckistani patriots rendez-vous with their brothers in arms to exchange field intelligence, pass along instructions, and in some cases, to exchange materiel.

Borrowing the best of their jihadi comrades from around the world, each cell of Kanuckistani patriots—the employees of a KFC outlet in Grand Rapids Michigan, the members of a cycling team in Sunrise Arizona, the Candy Stripers at the M.D. Anderson in bible-loving Houston, the acting troupe in LA—have been given broad objectives—Death to the Great Satan to paraphrase brother Khomeini—but with the precise details of the mission’s execution left up to them. This cell structure is designed to protect the overall mission should a cell be captured or its members find themselves too much in the public eye.

The main fighting force beyond the borders of Kanuckistan is the Kanuckistani Fighting Corps (also known as KFC). Proudly bilingual, they have adopted the moniker Front populaire du Kanuckistan in French (though a transcription error resulted in the acronym PFK which has since stuck, not unlike the accepted spelling of the city of Monckton.)

KFC fighters are located in thousands of strategically-located forward operating bases in communities across America. When the call eventually comes, these will act as launch pads for covert missions designed to overwhelm American command and control capabilities as well as their emergency response infrastructure.

Disguised as fast-food restaurants and offering fare designed to appeal to the average blue collar worker—including three different levels of greasy chicken—KFC outlets are located near police precincts, fire halls, power sub-stations, phone company switches, water treatment plants. With chicken cooked on a natural gas powered grill—ostensibly for the taste, as opposed to the microwave-cooked food offered by competitors, KFC bases have direct access to the natural gas network, in addition to the power and water networks.

KFC operatives wear distinctive uniforms, striped in red and white to recall the colours of our glorious maple leaf flag, but made of polyester to appeal to the sensibilities of our neighbours to the South who fail to appreciate the irony of clothing made from oil, the resource which makes the Americans so dependent on Kanuckistan and its allies.

In addition, KFC fighters, predominantly our sisters and daughters, have set up shop across the American health infrastructure where they adapted their tactics much like the mongoose chasing the snake. There they have assumed a different identity while maintaining their allegiance to Kanuckistan and the colours that make up its proud flag. Featuring a short skirt, short-sleeve top and suspenders—all with a red and white striped pattern, they have become known as candy stripers. (Again, the result of a mistake in transcription, “Kandi” became “Candy”).

Candy stripers are particularly active in the areas of a hospital devoted to post-operatory recovery. There, they deploy their wiles to get closer to the American enemy. In some cases, they will even sacrifice their timidity to execute carefully planned tactical strikes with leading members of the enemy’s command infrastructure. Known colloquially as manual overrides, these sensitive operations result in the enemy’s personnel being compromised.

Candy Striper interventions are timed so as to create maximum havoc with the social relationships of the enemy. Manual overrides are often exercised once it has been determined that the spouse, children, or parents of the victim will happen upon the candy striper and the enemy in the heat of action. At a minimum, the enemy’s dedication to American values will be questioned. Most often, an electronic device, called the Permanent Urethreal Throttling Activator (or PUTA) will be inserted into the enemy’s person. It is essentially a bug which allows our great state to spy on the victim. Due to the enemy’s overarching faith in religion—at the expense of reason—, many attacks of this kind are perpetrated in states with strong religious practices, like across the American South and the mid-West.

Short of impaling Jerry Falwell’s head on a pole, which while satisfying, would likely only encourage the raging Jesus-freaks in MittelAmerika, we have launched a series of countermeasures designed to take the fun out of everyday life and destroy the Amerikan credo of “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness”.

To that, Kanuckistani mouthpiece, The Economist, recently reported on the first of our many initiatives. Due to our successful propaganda efforts–including spending more evenings with chaps named Billy Bob then we would like to admit to– we were able to sabotage that most Amerikan of activities, the high school prom, by highlighting the dangers (unprotected pre-marital sex, consumption of controlled narcotics, underage use of alchohol) of young men and women spending unsupervised time together.

When the young folk from this relatively sleepy Arkansas town bought advance tickets for the dance, they signed a contract acknowledging the school rules prohibiting alcohol consumption. They also had to supply their dates’ names, addresses, grade levels and telephone numbers. Identities will be rechecked at the festivities (heaven knows what will happen to any teens bold enough to dump their dates in the closing days). Oh, and the deviant revellers have also had to agree to on-the-spot searches and sobriety tests.

Thank you Comrades, who shall remain nameless. We look forward to your next victories.

Saddened by the loss (though self-implosion might be a better term) of Comrade Bernard Kerik before Christmas, we have been busy moving forward with alternate plans.

The ‘revelations’ on Comrade Kerik were of course to have been expected, but the plan had been for them to come light only after his confirmation as Secretary for Homeland Security to achieve maximum scandal, and only after we had been able to drain the American Treasury (before Bush does it first).

We had invested a lot of time and effort in Comrade Kerik, securing the services of our best doctors (to modify Kerik’s appearance so as to resemble that of our greatest fallen comrade – see pictures), linguists (who taught him fugeddaboutit and other New Yorker terms) and businessmen (including the resourcefulness of Comrade Gagliano, who made a special return from Denmark to provide Comrade Kerik with best practices for corrupting bureaucracies, infiltrating the party into the government apparatus, and siphoning kickbacks on federal contracts.)

That is not to say that we have not been busy. Expect results from our latest efforts to appear in major news channels in the very near future.

While we officially despise organized religion like that prized by the millions of mindless Jesusfreaks that have populated (overwhelmed like Locusts?) the Red States, we also recognize that it can be a powerful tool for creating dissent and division within our enemy.

An editorial written by a comrade who wished to remain nameless, appeared yesterday in Kanuckistani mouthpiece, The New York Times. It details attempts to derail our plans to undermine the institution at the heart of the Amerikan identity, the Amerikan Armed Forces, in this case the Air Force.

For those not familiar with the success of our unflappable efforts,

Last year, academy officials promised to do something about widespread complaints of unconstitutional proselytizing of academy students by evangelists whose efforts were blessed by authority figures in the chain of command. An authorized investigation by the Yale Divinity School and local news reports documented numerous instances of pressure on cadets to adopt Christian beliefs and practices. Such pressure came from dozens of faculty members and chaplains, and even the football coach, with his “Team Jesus Christ” banner.

Reactionary efforts to undermine our initiatives and to ‘protect’ the officious separation of Church and State have come to naught. Thanks to the help of party members like Major General Charles Baldwin, we shall continue to drive a stake through the Amerikan heart, giving new impetus to our territorial ambitions.

Our fine comrades at The Economist report on another one of our successful initiatives.

This one is designed to further chisel away at the little joys in the life of the average overweight double cheeseburger eating pig known as the Amerikan. When not ordering a super-size Coke and Fries, your average Amerikan can be found watching a game of Amerikan college football, our enemy’s opiate of the masses.

Due to the persuasiveness of the efforts of glorious comrades who shall remain nameless, we were able to convince representatives of Texas, the home state of the Burning Bush, to legislate cheerleaders, the nimble, nubile women who provide the true entertainment.

On May 3rd, the state’s House of Representatives voted to crack down on “overtly sexually suggestive” routines.

The bill was actually sponsored by a Democrat, Al Edwards, who is an ordained minister, but it won fairly solid conservative support. “There is a lack of old fashioned morality, the morality you and I grew up with,” lamented one Republican state representative, Carl Isett. “If I take my five-year-old son to a high-school football game, I don’t want to cover his eyes when the cheerleaders are on the field.”

The bill would require school districts to take “appropriate action” against offensive acts at school events as identified by state education authorities. Districts would have to appoint cheerocrats—plainly a demanding and thankless job—to identify the culprits.

Our man at the American Civil Liberties Union in Texas invites the Amerikan people to take their reasoning to the next logical step.

“Why not go all the way? Why not require them all to wear a burka?”

(Images courtesy of our comrades at The Swift Report)

Paul Wells, the back page editorialist of Maclean’s, the Kanuckistani magazine famous for its cover of “Canada to Dubya: Fuck You” or something like that (Anyhoo, not the kind of thing most people would want to carry through US customs) has an article in which he discusses a reverse brain drain, whereby in a confirmation that our plan is working, Yanks are heading North.

Wells’ article is a welcome change from some of the other slop going around. Things like CanadianAlternative.com and even Cool.ca are a little too candy apple, feel-good for our taste. We don’t need something about Cool Canadians. What we need is the Great White North equivalent of “puppets who kill“.

As the disastrous results of the 2 World Wars and the unrequited success (minus a land war in Asia or two) of the Cold War show, appeasement is a losing argument, while containment and a continuous assault on the opponent’s hearts and minds are the only sure path to success. It is only by hammering on those “‘dumb as a post‘ residents of the south” and the gun nuts in Colorado that they will quote unquote get it.

Bringing to the end a series of shows over the last few months on the CBC (Canuckistan Broadcasting Corporation) television network, viewers of the show overwhelming chose Mr. Tommy Douglas, from the small (and getting smaller!) province of Saskatchewan as The Greatest Kanuckistani (ever).

For those joining us soon (particularly those blue states soon to be folded into El Nuevo Canada), Tommy Douglas is the fellow who introduced socialized medicine, the precursor to Medicare, whereby all Kanuckistanis–the young, the old, the poor, and yes, that really, really, really fat old lady with the swollen ankles larger than a telephone pole–can access to the medical treatment they need–as much as they need!–at no cost.

Half a century later, the contributions of Mr. Douglas continue to ring loud with all Kanuckistanis (and government budgets where Medicare is the largest and fastest growing cost). Concretely speaking, his efforts to reform health care in the country ensure that today all Kanuckistanis have EQUAL access to 20 and 30-year old technology and procedures (while ensuring that members of the nomenklatura (the politicians, the oligarchs) are free to jump the queue). Kanuckistanis are unanimous in crying out, “If we can’t have CAT scanners and MRI machines for ALL of our hospitals, we don’t want ANY of them to have them either.”

The arrival of those former American blue states into the fold should prove beneficial for both. For the 15% of Americans without healthcare, they will now be able to enjoy the best of Kanuckistani medical technology of the 1960s and 1970s, while provinces like Quebec continue to be able to send cancer patients to (new) provinces like Vermont for treatment, but pay in cheaper Kanuckistani dollars! Imagine the savings!

Thank you, Tommy Douglas, for helping to make Kanuckistan the great place it is today!

Three great reasons to move to Kanuckistan:

1) The Sopranos shown on over-the-air broadcast network (not $%#*! cable) station CTV (Canuckistan Television) featuring full frontal nudity, including Tony getting his hole, and all those big words God doesn’t want you to hear because they corrupt the soul

2) Team America World Police (America, Fuck yeah!) shown in theaters, featuring the puppet sex scene that was censored by Jack Valenti’s MPAA to preserve American hearts and minds.

3) A new federally approved program to promote immigration of strippers, which has enabled hundreds of poor but hot, hard-bodied Romanian girls to strut their stuff all over Kanuckistan without fear of striking miners or mentally stunted orphans getting in their way, ensuring an adequate supply of lap dances will be available to all hard-working Kanuckistanis that need them. (No news yet on a program designed to teach said strippers the artistic merits of a ping pong ball.)