Worry not.

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Amid all of the hubbub surrounding that idiot Greg Gutfeld and his colleagues at Fox News, one could be concerned. While one could retort that invading countries has never been a priority of Kanuckistan, like it is for the US, and therefore we do not need t have a large standing army, the truth is that we are only focused on invading one country.

Worry not comrades. With the significant investment we have made in the American entertainment-complex, unknown to him Mr Gutfeld is surrounded by Kanuckistani Patriots and will soon be getting his due.

To Mr Gutfeld and those who think like him, we paraphrase a great movie (The Crow?), when we say “just when you think you’re fucking them, they’re fucking you!” ‘Nuff said.

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The hits keep on coming.

You guessed it. Us again. America is falling in upon itself.

A gunman shot and killed at least 10 people, including several members of his family, on Tuesday afternoon in what officials said was the worst shooting in Alabama.

[From Gunman Kills 10 in Alabama, Then Takes His Life – NYTimes.com]

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We did this too.

Yep, it was us. ūüėČ

Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin, the teenage daughter of Gov. Sarah Palin, have broken off their engagement,

[From Palin’s Daughter Bristol Splits From Fiancé РNYTimes.com]

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Chalk up another victory.

This week,s issue of The Economist reports on the good work done by our Kanuckistani Fighting Corps (KFC) forward-operating bases in West Virginia.

Hamlin is near the Huntington metro area, one of the unhealthiest in America. Some 77% of adults are overweight; an incredible 46% are clinically obese. Some 13% of adults have diabetes, 22% of those over the age of 45 have heart disease, and nearly half the over-65s have lost all their teeth.

[From Barack Obama’s health-care reforms | The view from West Virginia | The Economist]

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Agent in place.

Meet Sarah Palin, the latest product of our Kanuckistani Patriot Labs.

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Biologically engineered from radiated stem cells, Sarah is a new kind of agent. Leveraging advanced weaponization research efforts from the early 80s, she has been enhanced to appeal to exactly one half of the participants in the Culture Wars, known as the denizens of the red states.

One part God-fearing Christian, one part gun owner, and finally, one part ‘drill it if you got it’, with a sprinkling of teen beauty queen to tie it all together. On the surface at least, she is the ‘total package’, designed to appeal to the base instincts that have made America as great as it has always been (see note).

Leveraging the personnel stationed at our network of Kanuckistani Fighter Corps (KFC) forward operating bases, we have been able to manage Sarah’s ascension from the ranks of all-American girl to beauty queen to small town mayor to governor of the largest state (by territory) in the Union.

As a result of those efforts, in a classic example of life imitating art, or in this case the movies (vis. The Manchurian Candidate), we have managed to insert Sarah near the highest levels of power. Indeed, Sarah was recently named the Republican nominee for Vice-President alongside Senator John McCain. Yes, that John McCain, the one whom many believe we were unable to ‘turn’. Aged 72 and counting, Senator McCain is unlikely to finish out his first term, meaning that Sarah will likely be president before the end of this decade.

For those who doubt the capabilities of this agent, specifically her superior genetic composition not to mention commitment to the values of the great nation of Kanuckistan, we offer the following proof. Indeed her ‘Dove soap bar’ good looks hide a secret known only to us, as the following pictures show. Left, Sarah with her make-up on; right, her make-up off.

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Note: While we welcome the current meltdown of the American housing market, the meltdown of the financial markets (we engineered the recent downfalls of Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch, and AIG, while also holding massive short positions), and the high gas prices that have forced Americans to learn to walk again, it is official Kanuckistani policy to perpetuate the myths that have lulled Americans into complacency, the better to strike when they sleep like tired pigs finished at the trough.

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Kanuckistani Forces backgrounder (cont’)

These KFC outlets and activities are complimented by a large contingent‚ÄĒover a million strong‚ÄĒof Kanuckstani patriots on the ground, living, working and studying in communities across America. Kanuckistani patriots have infiltrated the enemy to the South by way of a number of deceptions.

Some have gone across on sports scholarships at some of that country’s institutions of higher learning. With the formerly all-Kanuckistani NHL too obvious a choice, our patriot brothers have begun to learn other sports such as baseball and basketball in a series of training facilities both here and in the southern US on the pretext of clement weather.

As a result, numerous Kanuckistanis have begun to infiltrate major professional sporting leagues, not least of which the NFL, the NBA, and Major League Baseball. During out-of-town games and tournaments, Kanuckistani patriots rendez-vous with their brothers in arms to exchange field intelligence, pass along instructions, and in some cases, to exchange materiel.

Borrowing the best of their jihadi comrades from around the world, each cell of Kanuckistani patriots‚ÄĒthe employees of a KFC outlet in Grand Rapids Michigan, the members of a cycling team in Sunrise Arizona, the Candy Stripers at the M.D. Anderson in bible-loving Houston, the acting troupe in LA‚ÄĒhave been given broad objectives‚ÄĒDeath to the Great Satan to paraphrase brother Khomeini‚ÄĒbut with the precise details of the mission‚Äôs execution left up to them. This cell structure is designed to protect the overall mission should a cell be captured or its members find themselves too much in the public eye.

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A primer on Kanuckistani fighting forces.

The main fighting force beyond the borders of Kanuckistan is the Kanuckistani Fighting Corps (also known as KFC). Proudly bilingual, they have adopted the moniker Front populaire du Kanuckistan in French (though a transcription error resulted in the acronym PFK which has since stuck, not unlike the accepted spelling of the city of Monckton.)

KFC fighters are located in thousands of strategically-located forward operating bases in communities across America. When the call eventually comes, these will act as launch pads for covert missions designed to overwhelm American command and control capabilities as well as their emergency response infrastructure.

Disguised as fast-food restaurants and offering fare designed to appeal to the average blue collar worker‚ÄĒincluding three different levels of greasy chicken‚ÄĒKFC outlets are located near police precincts, fire halls, power sub-stations, phone company switches, water treatment plants. With chicken cooked on a natural gas powered grill‚ÄĒostensibly for the taste, as opposed to the microwave-cooked food offered by competitors, KFC bases have direct access to the natural gas network, in addition to the power and water networks.

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KFC operatives wear distinctive uniforms, striped in red and white to recall the colours of our glorious maple leaf flag, but made of polyester to appeal to the sensibilities of our neighbours to the South who fail to appreciate the irony of clothing made from oil, the resource which makes the Americans so dependent on Kanuckistan and its allies.

In addition, KFC fighters, predominantly our sisters and daughters, have set up shop across the American health infrastructure where they adapted their tactics much like the mongoose chasing the snake. There they have assumed a different identity while maintaining their allegiance to Kanuckistan and the colours that make up its proud flag. Featuring a short skirt, short-sleeve top and suspenders‚ÄĒall with a red and white striped pattern, they have become known as candy stripers. (Again, the result of a mistake in transcription, ‚ÄúKandi‚ÄĚ became ‚ÄúCandy‚ÄĚ).

Candy stripers are particularly active in the areas of a hospital devoted to post-operatory recovery. There, they deploy their wiles to get closer to the American enemy. In some cases, they will even sacrifice their timidity to execute carefully planned tactical strikes with leading members of the enemy’s command infrastructure. Known colloquially as manual overrides, these sensitive operations result in the enemy’s personnel being compromised.

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Candy Striper interventions are timed so as to create maximum havoc with the social relationships of the enemy. Manual overrides are often exercised once it has been determined that the spouse, children, or parents of the victim will happen upon the candy striper and the enemy in the heat of action. At a minimum, the enemy‚Äôs dedication to American values will be questioned. Most often, an electronic device, called the Permanent Urethreal Throttling Activator (or PUTA) will be inserted into the enemy‚Äôs person. It is essentially a bug which allows our great state to spy on the victim. Due to the enemy‚Äôs overarching faith in religion‚ÄĒat the expense of reason‚ÄĒ, many attacks of this kind are perpetrated in states with strong religious practices, like across the American South and the mid-West.

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