Biologically engineered from radiated stem cells, Sarah is a new kind of agent. Leveraging advanced weaponization research efforts from the early 80s, she has been enhanced to appeal to exactly one half of the participants in the Culture Wars, known as the denizens of the red states.

One part God-fearing Christian, one part gun owner, and finally, one part 'drill it if you got it', with a sprinkling of teen beauty queen to tie it all together. On the surface at least, she is the 'total package', designed to appeal to the base instincts that have made America as great as it has always been (see note).

Leveraging the personnel stationed at our network of Kanuckistani Fighter Corps (KFC) forward operating bases, we have been able to manage Sarah's ascension from the ranks of all-American girl to beauty queen to small town mayor to governor of the largest state (by territory) in the Union.

As a result of those efforts, in a classic example of life imitating art, or in this case the movies (vis. The Manchurian Candidate), we have managed to insert Sarah near the highest levels of power. Indeed, Sarah was recently named the Republican nominee for Vice-President alongside Senator John McCain. Yes, that John McCain, the one whom many believe we were unable to 'turn'. Aged 72 and counting, Senator McCain is unlikely to finish out his first term, meaning that Sarah will likely be president before the end of this decade.

For those who doubt the capabilities of this agent, specifically her superior genetic composition not to mention commitment to the values of the great nation of Kanuckistan, we offer the following proof. Indeed her 'Dove soap bar' good looks hide a secret known only to us, as the following pictures show. Left, Sarah with her make-up on; right, her make-up off.

Note: While we welcome the current meltdown of the American housing market, the meltdown of the financial markets (we engineered the recent downfalls of Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch, and AIG, while also holding massive short positions), and the high gas prices that have forced Americans to learn to walk again, it is official Kanuckistani policy to perpetuate the myths that have lulled Americans into complacency, the better to strike when they sleep like tired pigs finished at the trough.

Some have gone across on sports scholarships at some of that country’s institutions of higher learning. With the formerly all-Kanuckistani NHL too obvious a choice, our patriot brothers have begun to learn other sports such as baseball and basketball in a series of training facilities both here and in the southern US on the pretext of clement weather.

As a result, numerous Kanuckistanis have begun to infiltrate major professional sporting leagues, not least of which the NFL, the NBA, and Major League Baseball. During out-of-town games and tournaments, Kanuckistani patriots rendez-vous with their brothers in arms to exchange field intelligence, pass along instructions, and in some cases, to exchange materiel.

Borrowing the best of their jihadi comrades from around the world, each cell of Kanuckistani patriots—the employees of a KFC outlet in Grand Rapids Michigan, the members of a cycling team in Sunrise Arizona, the Candy Stripers at the M.D. Anderson in bible-loving Houston, the acting troupe in LA—have been given broad objectives—Death to the Great Satan to paraphrase brother Khomeini—but with the precise details of the mission’s execution left up to them. This cell structure is designed to protect the overall mission should a cell be captured or its members find themselves too much in the public eye.

Disguised as fast-food restaurants and offering fare designed to appeal to the average blue collar worker—including three different levels of greasy chicken—KFC outlets are located near police precincts, fire halls, power sub-stations, phone company switches, water treatment plants. With chicken cooked on a natural gas powered grill—ostensibly for the taste, as opposed to the microwave-cooked food offered by competitors, KFC bases have direct access to the natural gas network, in addition to the power and water networks.

KFC operatives wear distinctive uniforms, striped in red and white to recall the colours of our glorious maple leaf flag, but made of polyester to appeal to the sensibilities of our neighbours to the South who fail to appreciate the irony of clothing made from oil, the resource which makes the Americans so dependent on Kanuckistan and its allies.

In addition, KFC fighters, predominantly our sisters and daughters, have set up shop across the American health infrastructure where they adapted their tactics much like the mongoose chasing the snake. There they have assumed a different identity while maintaining their allegiance to Kanuckistan and the colours that make up its proud flag. Featuring a short skirt, short-sleeve top and suspenders—all with a red and white striped pattern, they have become known as candy stripers. (Again, the result of a mistake in transcription, “Kandi” became “Candy”).

Candy stripers are particularly active in the areas of a hospital devoted to post-operatory recovery. There, they deploy their wiles to get closer to the American enemy. In some cases, they will even sacrifice their timidity to execute carefully planned tactical strikes with leading members of the enemy’s command infrastructure. Known colloquially as manual overrides, these sensitive operations result in the enemy’s personnel being compromised.

Candy Striper interventions are timed so as to create maximum havoc with the social relationships of the enemy. Manual overrides are often exercised once it has been determined that the spouse, children, or parents of the victim will happen upon the candy striper and the enemy in the heat of action. At a minimum, the enemy’s dedication to American values will be questioned. Most often, an electronic device, called the Permanent Urethreal Throttling Activator (or PUTA) will be inserted into the enemy’s person. It is essentially a bug which allows our great state to spy on the victim. Due to the enemy’s overarching faith in religion—at the expense of reason—, many attacks of this kind are perpetrated in states with strong religious practices, like across the American South and the mid-West.

To that, Kanuckistani mouthpiece, The Economist, recently reported on the first of our many initiatives. Due to our successful propaganda efforts--including spending more evenings with chaps named Billy Bob then we would like to admit to-- we were able to sabotage that most Amerikan of activities, the high school prom, by highlighting the dangers (unprotected pre-marital sex, consumption of controlled narcotics, underage use of alchohol) of young men and women spending unsupervised time together.

When the young folk from this relatively sleepy Arkansas town bought advance tickets for the dance, they signed a contract acknowledging the school rules prohibiting alcohol consumption. They also had to supply their dates' names, addresses, grade levels and telephone numbers. Identities will be rechecked at the festivities (heaven knows what will happen to any teens bold enough to dump their dates in the closing days). Oh, and the deviant revellers have also had to agree to on-the-spot searches and sobriety tests.

Thank you Comrades, who shall remain nameless. We look forward to your next victories.

The 'revelations' on Comrade Kerik were of course to have been expected, but the plan had been for them to come light only after his confirmation as Secretary for Homeland Security to achieve maximum scandal, and only after we had been able to drain the American Treasury (before Bush does it first).

We had invested a lot of time and effort in Comrade Kerik, securing the services of our best doctors (to modify Kerik's appearance so as to resemble that of our greatest fallen comrade - see pictures), linguists (who taught him fugeddaboutit and other New Yorker terms) and businessmen (including the resourcefulness of Comrade Gagliano, who made a special return from Denmark to provide Comrade Kerik with best practices for corrupting bureaucracies, infiltrating the party into the government apparatus, and siphoning kickbacks on federal contracts.)

That is not to say that we have not been busy. Expect results from our latest efforts to appear in major news channels in the very near future.

An editorial written by a comrade who wished to remain nameless, appeared yesterday in Kanuckistani mouthpiece, The New York Times. It details attempts to derail our plans to undermine the institution at the heart of the Amerikan identity, the Amerikan Armed Forces, in this case the Air Force.

For those not familiar with the success of our unflappable efforts,

Last year, academy officials promised to do something about widespread complaints of unconstitutional proselytizing of academy students by evangelists whose efforts were blessed by authority figures in the chain of command. An authorized investigation by the Yale Divinity School and local news reports documented numerous instances of pressure on cadets to adopt Christian beliefs and practices. Such pressure came from dozens of faculty members and chaplains, and even the football coach, with his "Team Jesus Christ" banner.

Reactionary efforts to undermine our initiatives and to 'protect' the officious separation of Church and State have come to naught. Thanks to the help of party members like Major General Charles Baldwin, we shall continue to drive a stake through the Amerikan heart, giving new impetus to our territorial ambitions.

This one is designed to further chisel away at the little joys in the life of the average overweight double cheeseburger eating pig known as the Amerikan. When not ordering a super-size Coke and Fries, your average Amerikan can be found watching a game of Amerikan college football, our enemy's opiate of the masses.

Due to the persuasiveness of the efforts of glorious comrades who shall remain nameless, we were able to convince representatives of Texas, the home state of the Burning Bush, to legislate cheerleaders, the nimble, nubile women who provide the true entertainment.

On May 3rd, the state's House of Representatives voted to crack down on “overtly sexually suggestive” routines.

The bill was actually sponsored by a Democrat, Al Edwards, who is an ordained minister, but it won fairly solid conservative support. “There is a lack of old fashioned morality, the morality you and I grew up with,” lamented one Republican state representative, Carl Isett. “If I take my five-year-old son to a high-school football game, I don't want to cover his eyes when the cheerleaders are on the field.”

The bill would require school districts to take “appropriate action” against offensive acts at school events as identified by state education authorities. Districts would have to appoint cheerocrats—plainly a demanding and thankless job—to identify the culprits.

Our man at the American Civil Liberties Union in Texas invites the Amerikan people to take their reasoning to the next logical step.

“Why not go all the way? Why not require them all to wear a burka?”

(Images courtesy of our comrades at The Swift Report)

Wells' article is a welcome change from some of the other slop going around. Things like CanadianAlternative.com and even Cool.ca are a little too candy apple, feel-good for our taste. We don't need something about Cool Canadians. What we need is the Great White North equivalent of "puppets who kill".

As the disastrous results of the 2 World Wars and the unrequited success (minus a land war in Asia or two) of the Cold War show, appeasement is a losing argument, while containment and a continuous assault on the opponent's hearts and minds are the only sure path to success. It is only by hammering on those "'dumb as a post' residents of the south" and the gun nuts in Colorado that they will quote unquote get it.

For those joining us soon (particularly those blue states soon to be folded into El Nuevo Canada), Tommy Douglas is the fellow who introduced socialized medicine, the precursor to Medicare, whereby all Kanuckistanis--the young, the old, the poor, and yes, that really, really, really fat old lady with the swollen ankles larger than a telephone pole--can access to the medical treatment they need--as much as they need!--at no cost.

Half a century later, the contributions of Mr. Douglas continue to ring loud with all Kanuckistanis (and government budgets where Medicare is the largest and fastest growing cost). Concretely speaking, his efforts to reform health care in the country ensure that today all Kanuckistanis have EQUAL access to 20 and 30-year old technology and procedures (while ensuring that members of the nomenklatura (the politicians, the oligarchs) are free to jump the queue). Kanuckistanis are unanimous in crying out, "If we can't have CAT scanners and MRI machines for ALL of our hospitals, we don't want ANY of them to have them either."

The arrival of those former American blue states into the fold should prove beneficial for both. For the 15% of Americans without healthcare, they will now be able to enjoy the best of Kanuckistani medical technology of the 1960s and 1970s, while provinces like Quebec continue to be able to send cancer patients to (new) provinces like Vermont for treatment, but pay in cheaper Kanuckistani dollars! Imagine the savings!

Thank you, Tommy Douglas, for helping to make Kanuckistan the great place it is today!

1) The Sopranos shown on over-the-air broadcast network (not $%#*! cable) station CTV (Canuckistan Television) featuring full frontal nudity, including Tony getting his hole, and all those big words God doesn't want you to hear because they corrupt the soul

2) Team America World Police (America, Fuck yeah!) shown in theaters, featuring the puppet sex scene that was censored by Jack Valenti's MPAA to preserve American hearts and minds.

3) A new federally approved program to promote immigration of strippers, which has enabled hundreds of poor but hot, hard-bodied Romanian girls to strut their stuff all over Kanuckistan without fear of striking miners or mentally stunted orphans getting in their way, ensuring an adequate supply of lap dances will be available to all hard-working Kanuckistanis that need them. (No news yet on a program designed to teach said strippers the artistic merits of a ping pong ball.)

Case in point. Former Kanuckistani Minister of Public Works and the main cause of transatlantic tensions between the Kingdom of Denmark and the Democratic People's Republic of Kanuckistan (DPRK), Liberal Party capo Alfonso Gagliano was recently fingered by the FBI as being the Cosa Nostra's Man in Montreal. In addition, he had previously been an accountant to a certain Don Caruana of the infamous Sicilian Caruana-Cuntrera group.

This begs the question of course, as to what the mob nickname of Don Gagliano would be. Since he was in company of such leading men of honour as Sammy "The Bull" Gravano, "Big" Paul Castellano, and of course, the head of the Bonano crime family, the recently deceased Joey "Bananas", he would need a nickname, one that reflected his stature as a made man, while also reflecting the respect he commanded outside of the Montreal enclave of St-Leonard--the kind of respect which resulted in him being posted to Denmark when the sh*t hit the fan in a recent corruption scandal.

Since the nickname of "Boobie" is already taken by the (infamous) John Cerasani, we feel that "Cheeseball" is a fitting name for the capo di tutti capi in the Liberal Party. Yes, we happily imagine young Cheeseball Gagliano, the type of fat kid who kept stuffing his face at the corner stoop, raising money for Liberal prime ministers past and present... Another great Kanuckistani!

As Reverend Bob (that's one '0', not two) expects of Dubya, "Undoubtedly, you will have opportunity to appoint many conservative judges and exercise forceful leadership with the Congress in passing legislation that is defined by biblical norm regarding the family, sexuality, sanctity of life, religious freedom, freedom of speech, and limited government."

Quick question: What happened to freedom FROM religion ? Isn't that why the whole boat ride happened in the first place ?

Another quick question: Are we the only ones that get the joke ? The domain name for Bob Jones University is BJU.edu. That's right BJ-U. Hehe. Yes, God works in mysterious ways.

States not invited:

• West Virginia -- we have enough inbreeding in New Brunswick and Nova Scotia already
• Virginia -- something about Santa Claus or Slims
• Mississipi -- with the average IQ of the residents of M-eye-ess-ess-eye-ess-ess-eye-pee-pee-eye of 85, that means half of the population is a shade short of mentally retarded or worse. (When we want people with the IQ of a plant, we go to the East end of Montreal. Thanks but no thanks.)
• Iowa -- we have enough coddled farmers already and we bury enough potatoes as is.
• Ohio -- they shanked it once. they'll probably shank it again.

In this time of intense need, we here at what has been described as the world's greatest hotel, stand ready to lend a hand, and would be more than happy to give these orphan states a place they can call home. Though all like-minded states are welcome to apply, we feel a particular fondness for the following:

• Maine -- home of Lobstahs, Clam Chowdah, and Kennebunkpoht
• Vermont -- great place to stick a high speed train to NYC and no tax on liquor! woohoo!
• Massachusetts -- home of the Sox Nation and Sam Adams beer
• Illinois -- home of the Blues Brothers and Ferris Bueller and Da Bears
• Wisconsin -- home of the Packers and Eat Cheese or Die
• New York -- what else can you say. Home of the Bronx Bombers and great cheese cake
• New Jersey -- we need somewhere to stick all that garbage coming from New York
• Maryland -- they have a nice flag
• DC -- great philly steak sandwiches at Union Station plus all the cash the Trilateral Commission keeps at the World Bank
• Connecticut -- home of the Hartford Whalers, the place where Gordie Howe ended his career
• Pennsylvania -- the Mason Dixon line, site of the future border for keeping the freaks out, and of course, the home of philly steak sandwiches
• Minnesota -- home of places even colder than Canada and great polka to boot
• Michigan -- where Gordie Howe started his career and the house that Sparky built
• Washington State -- for our rainy-day friend in BC, on the shipping route for BC Gold
• Oregon -- what cults? different is good, plus on the shipping route for BC Gold
• California -- Disneyland, Santa Monica, and the home of A Night at the Roxy, and the final destination of BC Gold

Not invited:

• Bible Belt states -- 'nuff said
• Rhode Island -- we have enough mafia up here already
• New Hampshire -- too many gun nuts

Based on our projected applications, this is what a future Kanuckistan would look like:

In addition to offering cheap prescription drugs, a positive environment for gay marriage, tacit (though on the upswing) support for euthanasia, drinking under the age of 21 (under the age of 16 if you are in Quebec), soft core porn on over the air networks, we offer a common language, access to CNN, MSNBC, HBO, inside knowledge on the British Royal Family, and something called the Internet. (We also offer something called Smoked Meat, which to the uninitiated is akin to pastrami, but infinitely better.)

No need to push, we have application forms for all.

The civil war, the celebrated follow-up to the culture war, is at hand. ("Which side are you on?", the Daily Show asked on Election Night.)

Mass immigration to the Northern Cold is the logical response.

In a repeat of the aftermath of the overthrow of Germany in WWII, with the thousands of German scientists spirited away—not always voluntarily—to the US, we up here, in the frozen tundra, look forward to the coming wave of the best of American intelligentsia, with Volvos and Banana Republic clothing in tow, driving up Interstates 95, 87, 89, 55, 25, 5, and others, from Research Triangle park, the Tri-States region, Chicagoland, the Inland Empire, and the Great State of California. From Stanford, Columbia, Northwestern, Cornell, Purdue, Notre Dame, and Hahvahd they will come.

Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breath free.

Bring me those in search of drinking under the age of 21, legal marijuana (from the wilderness of British Columbia), gay marriage, and cheap prescription drugs. Full contact lap dances await along with new husbands and wives as well.

Once you are here, we will find work for you. Montreal is the capital for telemarketing fraud in the United States, snookering thousands of mostly retired elderly white folks, living in Arizona and Texas, every day. You will feel at home too. In movies, Vancouver stands in for LA, Seattle, and everything in between. And Toronto, well, um, uh, Switzerland of the North. Yeah, that's it.

The rest of you, just stay where you are. Things are going your way. Believe that the Messiah is coming for you. Believe that by continuing to support the conflict in the Middle East, you are paving the way for His return. Keep the 10 Commandments. Pray for Jim and Tammy Fae. Heck, be born again if you have to.