Missive from the Dear Leader

The following was submitted by our Dear Leader to the New York Times in response to this editorial piece.

“Congratulations, America. You were successful in driving yourself off a cliff. From here up north, it was not hard to see. Like a train wreck in slow motion. Like death by a thousand tiny cuts. You lived beyond your means and now it is catching up with you. You took the art of ‘private opulence and public squalor’ (as J.K. Galbraith would say) to perfection.

The good news is that some of you can move here–where we have a growing economy. (Or you can just split from the US and be annexed by Canada.) We’ll take the west coast (except the Republicans in Orange County and the Inland Empire.) We want Chicago. We’ll take the East Coast states down to Maryland; beyond that reason breaks down. You can keep states like Colorado, Alaska and Arizona, which have perfected the art of biting the hand that feeds it (complaining about the federal government, while simultaneously getting rich off defense spending and other largesse.) Come to think of it, you can keep New Jersey. We have enough garbage as it is. You can keep that rat’s nest known as Louisiana as well. You didn’t care enough to spend the money to protect New Orleans from being flooded, thus showing that the value of a human life in those parts is effectively ‘zero’, so it has no value for us either.

There is bad news though. We will give you free medical care, but we won’t subsidize your mortgage. (Which is more socialist? Hmm.) We don’t have a 3-strikes law that will put you in prison for life for stealing a slice of pizza. We don’t have a media that seeks the scandal du jour, so no daily roman circus here. We don’t even have helicopters dedicated to following speeding cars on the highway. We don’t have the same rate of obesity as you do, so we will have to pick and choose who gets let in at the border.

We do have the world’s largest reserves of fresh water though, and we have front-row seats on the decline of the American Empire. So on balance, not a bad deal.”

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Forget the COC(K).

We have recently discovered and terminated a plot by the United States Government to bankrupt the Democratic People’s Republic of Kanuckistan (DPRK).

The American enemy’s program was designed to instill dual loyalties in the hearts of recent immigrants to our great nation in order to ultimately drain the treasury of this great country. (At the time, they did not know how much Comrade Madoff was draining them!) One of many such programs run by the Yankee imperialist stooges, this program was known as Citizens of Convenience (Kanuckistan) or COC(K) for short.

The goal of the program was to convince recent immigrants to Kanuckistan to remain loyal to the countries from whence they came and to resist transferring their ultimate allegiances to their new home country. Dressed as members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and teachers of citizenship classes for new immigrants, imperialist agents subjected unwitting immigrants to Kanuckistan to brain washing and propaganda sessions.

The network operations center for this program, known as the COC(K)NOC, was housed in the West Virginian hotel known by its cold war code name as Project Greek Island. A former employee, known in local parlance as a COC(K)NOCer, has recently defected to Kanuckistan and has confirmed what follows:

During those sessions, recent immigrants were told they were under no pressure to adopt Kanuckistani culture (and that there was no such thing as Kanuckistani culture in the first place!); that they should live in geographically concentrated groups among themselves; and that they should make no effort to learn the local language. However, program participants were taught how to show token allegiance to Kanuckistan. In particular, they were taught to feign righteous indignation when their loyalties were questioned and to make reference to the Kanuckistani Charter of Rights and Freedoms. This last approach had the effect of stifling discussion and allowing the American subterfuge to continue unabated.

Following successful indoctrination, converted Kanuckistani immigrants were subsequently convinced to return to their original homelands to wait for further instructions, all while maintaining their citizenship, rights and social benefits under Kanuckistani law. They were only to return to the DPRK for free health care or to renew their unemployment insurance benefits.

Once a critical mass of Kanuckistani citizens had returned to their native lands, the American secret forces, led by the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), would start the second phase of this plan, dipping into their bag of dirty tricks honed in Cuba, Iran, Panama and Grenada. This consisted of a campaign of bombing and insurrection designed to lead to civil war. The CIA did this knowing full well that these people, while back in their native lands, held dual citizenship and would thus call on Kanuckistan to come to their rescue at potentially considerable cost to the Kanuckistani public purse.

In its latest iteration, the program worked to convince recent Lebanese immigrants that once they had achieved citizenship, social benefits and health care for themselves, their children, their extended families, and members of the villages from whence they came, they should return to Lebanon and wait for the green light from the CIA.

Lebanese Citizens of Convenience

After first killing the former Lebanese prime minister Rafiq Hariri, then kidnapping Israeli soldier Gilead Shalit, the CIA set-up a full-on confrontation between the Lebanese government and the Hezbollah movement that was designed to lead to massive civil conflict. Faced with the possibility that its citizens were in harms way, the DPRK had no choice but to repatriate thousands of its citizens even though they were also in a country for which they held citizenship. The total cost of repatriating thousands Lebanese-Kanuckistani citizens was pegged at $85-94 million.

More Lebanese Canadian Citizens of Convenience

Following the bringing to light of this scandal, and the execution of numerous enemy agents by his own glorious hand, our Dear Leader gave the American people the following warning: “Everyone who possesses their own intelligence and their own free will knows that people to come to Kanuckistan to participate fully in the glory of this great nation. It is beyond impossible that any immigrants would come to this country while maintaining their loyalties elsewhere. They would also never bring their problems from home with them. For they fully appreciate the saying “do not shit where you eat”, inculcated into all Kanuckistanis at a young age (along with hockey and an appreciation for beaver). Thought we have takenlegislative steps to prevent this from happening again,at this time I would like to put the American people on notice that they should not attempt to repeat with our immigrants from India, Sri Lanka (Tamil Patriots not Tigers!), Pakistan, or Armenia what they so successfully achieved with people from Lebanon. To make such accusations is to insult those people and Kanuckistanis in general. No Kanuckistani would ever use citizenship as a safety net or lobby our government to serve the policies of another!”

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Accepting the praise. Humbly.

The NY TImes reports that, “Since Sept. 11, 2001, nearly 120,000 Americans have been killed in nonterror homicides, most committed with guns. Yet the idea of doing something about the insane number of guns is a nonstarter”.

As columnist Bob Herbert points out, not only have we been successful in picking off the population equivalent of Prince Edward Island, the smallest of the Kanuckistani Soviet Socialist Republics, since the Two Towers of the Great Satan were felled (OK, we can’t claim credit for everything!), but we have been successful in our attempts to instill a climate of fear in which the Yankee people think that more guns is the answer. He writes,

“For the most part, we pay no attention to this relentless carnage. The idea of doing something meaningful about the insane number of guns in circulation is a nonstarter. So what if eight kids are shot to death every day in America. So what if someone is killed by a gun every 17 minutes.

The goal of the National Rifle Association and a host of so-called conservative lawmakers is to get ever more guns into the hands of ever more people. Texas is one of a number of states considering bills to allow concealed guns on college campuses.

Supporters argue, among other things, that it will enable students and professors to defend themselves against mass murderers, like the deranged gunman who killed 32 people at Virginia Tech two years ago.

They’d like guns to be as ubiquitous as laptops or cellphones. One Texas lawmaker referred to unarmed people on campuses as “sitting ducks.”

BTW, that one Texas lawmaker they refer to is on our payroll. As is the NRA.

PS: Even liberal mouthpiece Time Magazine reports that 10 years after Columbine, it is even easier to get guns in the USA.

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Comfortably numb in the USA.

While we definitely do punch above our weight up here in the Democratic People’s Republic, we can not always take credit for everything that goes wrong with our mortal enemy. The NY Times features an opinion piece that recites the ability of Americans to slaughter themselves of their own accord.

“In a month of violence gruesome even by our own standards, 57 people have lost their lives in eight mass shootings. The killing grounds include a nursing home, a center for new immigrants, a child’s bedroom. Before that it was a church, a college, a daycare center.”

The allegory they use is that of a frog slow-boiling in a pot, Americans watching as their society implodes. We could not agree more.

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Meet Comrade Glenn Beck.

The New York Times recently reported on one of our more recent agent employments, comrade Glenn Beck. As the Times writes, Comrade Beck has been successful:

Glenn Beck

As the Times reports, “[Agent Beck] preaches against politicians, hosts regular segments titled “Constitution Under Attack” and “Economic Apocalypse,” and occasionally breaks into tears. Michael Smerconish, a fellow syndicated talk show host, said that Mr. Beck ‘has a gift for touching the passion nerve.’ Tapping into fear about the future, Mr. Beck also lingers over doomsday situations; in a series called “The War Room” last month he talked to experts about the possibility of global financial panic and widespread outbreaks of violence. He challenged viewers to “think the unthinkable” so that they would be prepared in case of emergency.”

Judging by the hate mail Comrade Beck receives, you can see that we are on to something here.

Those with a keen eye will notice the resemblance between Agent Beck’s logo and the internationally recognized radiation warning symbol. That is no coincidence.

Glenn Beck logoRadiation Warning symbol

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Ode to comrade Madoff.

In light of his recent conviction and the decision by the judge to not let him out on bail pending sentencing, we will take this opportunity to honour the efforts of a great friend of Kanuckistan, Mr Bernard Madoff.

Bernard Madoff

One of the more memorable quotes in the classic movie The Usual Suspects comes from the character Verbal played by Kevin Spacey, who as we later learn is Kayser Soze himself, an international criminal whose very name invokes primal fear on the lips of those who pronounce it. As Verbal says, “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” In this case, Bernard Madoff has managed to this day to conceal his identity from the greater world, passing himself off as an American citizen of the Hebrew persuasion born in New York City and a cornerstone of Jewish communities up and down the Atlantic seaboard.

Little known however is that Comrade Madoff is neither American nor even Jewish. While it may be plausible for some to characterize him as a shmuck nonetheless, Comrade Madoff was actually born Philippe O’Hanlon, the product of the marriage between a French-Canadian woman and an Irish man. He grew up in the working class neighborhood of Griffintown in Montreal, now known as Point St. Charles, in a walk-up on the famously downtrodden Wellington Street. (While Philippe O’Hanlon, he was brought to our attention by Agent Duddy Kravitz, a tireless promoter of our cause and a financier of many of our operations.)

The genius of Comrade O’Hanlon/Madoff’s efforts is that not only was he able to swindle US$65 billion to the benefit of many Kanuckistani military, industrial and cultural efforts, but that he was able to do so in a manner that ensured that the blame was laid far away elsewhere. In fact, Comrade Madoff did his work so well that many a commentator is lamenting the impact of our dear comrade’s work on the image of the Jewish community, a traditional bugbear for all that is wrong in the world.

On behalf of all Kanuckistani patriots, we extend our dearest thanks to you and your help in ensuring that Kanuckistan will prevail.

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American Dream. Demolished.

The Globe and Mail reports on our recent successes in demolishing the American Dream in the eyes of the world.

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